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About Me Member Emotional Poet midnight-moon949019/Female/United States Recent Activity Deviant for 1 Year
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Quiet Side

Image for Computer Graphics I made on Photoshop7. Quiet side of my personality

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Sad Fate

Sun Nov 1, 2009, 11:39 AM
  • Mood: Miserable
  • Listening to: Seether's "Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces&
  • Reading: Megatokyo online manga
  • Watching: nada
  • Playing: nada
  • Eating: safety pin
  • Drinking: Strawberry Kiwi Propel
Do you know what it’s like to want to do something so bad, and not even know why you want to do it? I stand on that precipice as I type this. I could do something that would upset so many right now, and while I want to, I know I have no real desire. It’s just a voice whispering in the back of my head. Jealousy. Insecurity. Confusion, perhaps. An overwhelming rush of negative emotions from those I love and care about. I’ve been good. But I want to be bad. How upset would that make you? Would you start to hate me? Do I even deserve to be loved in the first place? I just can’t stop it. My body is numb. My heart aches. I want to remedy this conundrum. I want to feel with my body, not just my heart. Is that too much to ask? Why is it so wrong? So confusing? I just…I can’t help that the voices are like this, that I’m like this. I can’t help that I want to do this. It hurts so bad right now. Holding in tears is not helping my heart… I don’t understand what is wrong with me. Why can’t I be fixed? Why do so many try regardless? Why can’t I be understood? It just isn’t fair… Why can’t I be at least a little bit normal? I don’t want to want this. I want to spit the safety pin out of my mouth and put it back where it belongs. I don’t want to want to push it against my skin and pull, breaking small layers to leave barely visible scars. I don’t want to crave pain like this. I just want to be…normal, except I don’t want normalicy, just something closer to it than this madness. I’m so exhausted by the emotions. My mind feels so off, like it is just barely attached to my shoulders. My eyes keep tearing up, wanting to collapse on the floor and bawl. What is wrong with me? What is wrong? Why? I just don’t get it… I don’t understand in the least. Please….may I? I promise there won’t be any blood, no easily noticeable reminders. It’ll be a quiet secret. You won’t have to know about it. I’ll be quiet, silent about what I’ve done. I’m often quiet as it is. Would you notice if I put yet another secret in my dark vault? Would you notice if I retreated just a step or two further into my madness? Would you notice? Would you care? Would it upset you if you did notice? I want to… I do and I don’t. I’m proving to myself I’m stronger than the voices, using methods that others can’t use. Am I stronger than others? I wonder…. Others have to get rid of their weapons because they really will use them again. I keep mine within easy access so I can prove I don’t need them. And I can resist for long periods at a time. Months, years. But…how long am I really resisting? How strong am I really proving myself? I fight myself so hard, fight temptation and seduction, just so I don’t disappoint, don’t worry those I care about. Am I strong? Or just pretending so well to fool those that would otherwise worry for me? I really don’t know…. It just comes so natural to me. I don’t know what I am, who I am. I just…. I can taste the safety pin as I move it around in my mouth. It’s closed, so I’m not hurting myself, but I could. Oh, so easily could I inflict harm on myself. Open my mouth, pull it out, wipe it down, open it, play… I really do not know what is wrong with me… And many days, I really wish I did know so, maybe, just maybe, it could be fixed…. But, I know that is an impossibility, so why hope? Why fight? In the end, I’m just going to be another statistic, another freak. I’m just going to give in. Maybe not today, maybe not for a while, but eventually….I know I more than likely will…. Sad fate that awaits this sad girl….

deviantID

Go by Luna. I'm about five foot nine with short (but growing) brown hair. Natural curls that I love. Blue-green-grey eyes. A bit of a freak sometimes, but is what makes me so lovable. Care way more than is quite sane for many people who enter my life. Sexual orientation is that of pansexual. I don't see gender as too much more than a label that limits the boundaries of love. Die-hard romantic. Believe in vampires and werewovles and shadows and shades and magic and mystery. I don't believe in the god that is taught by the Church because he is taught to be loving, yet condemns his children if they sin. I do believe in a higher power that loves no matter what and wishes only for the best for their children. There is no limit on who you can or cannot love because each and every one of us is a HUMAN BEING. Semi political in that I have my views and I will express them, but I'm not trying to make anyone just like me. Love that everyone is someone different. Random, yet I make sense. Dunno... I'm a person with a personality...

Devious Info

  • Current Residence: Madness/Homophobic Hillbilly Central--Now college dorm
  • Interests: reading, writing, drawing, dreaming, dabbling in art mediums, yaoi/yuri,gender/sexuality
  • Favourite movie: Princess Bride, Gray Matters, RENT
  • Favourite genre of music: anything except rap pretty much
  • Favourite poet or writer: Gregory Maguire, Langston Hughes, Shakespeare, Berto (Lostlove223)
  • Favourite photographer: Kays-elle-belle/WeAreThe-Fallen (Ellie)
  • MP3 player of choice: iPod
  • Favourite gaming platform: Wii
  • Favourite cartoon character: Tinkerbell and Disney Princesses :D
  • Personal Quote: Better to have love be blind than to be blind to love

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Comments


:icondd4rri3n:
visit [link]

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I is r not 100% am crazy... shut up.
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Caution: I lieke to deliver ample amout of scarcasm and wont appolamagize for it.
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Dyslexia is a bitch aint it?
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YAY ADD!!!
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PROCRASTINATORS OF TEH WORLD UNITE!!! (tomorrow..next week...later on...)
---
:iconmidnight-moon9490:
Already reading it; really enjoying it too. Can't wait for the next part

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I'm Pansexual. That means I don't care if you're male, female, or something else in between or beyond. Love is beautiful and holds no limits. You got a problem with this fact? Take it up with someone who actually gives a damn!:pride:

:hug:Luna:heart:
:icondd4rri3n:
thanks :B

--
I is r not 100% am crazy... shut up.
----
Caution: I lieke to deliver ample amout of scarcasm and wont appolamagize for it.
---
Dyslexia is a bitch aint it?
---
YAY ADD!!!
---
PROCRASTINATORS OF TEH WORLD UNITE!!! (tomorrow..next week...later on...)
---
:iconmidnight-moon9490:
Welcome :D

--
I'm Pansexual. That means I don't care if you're male, female, or something else in between or beyond. Love is beautiful and holds no limits. You got a problem with this fact? Take it up with someone who actually gives a damn!:pride:

:hug:Luna:heart:
:icondd4rri3n:
^^

--
I is r not 100% am crazy... shut up.
----
Caution: I lieke to deliver ample amout of scarcasm and wont appolamagize for it.
---
Dyslexia is a bitch aint it?
---
YAY ADD!!!
---
PROCRASTINATORS OF TEH WORLD UNITE!!! (tomorrow..next week...later on...)
---

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